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I've bought my one-way ticket from parents to here: the way back from Rosh Hashanah weekend in Florida. The plan was for my sister and her fam and me to drive down on Thursday (possibly Wednesday night) so we can get there with some time to relax before the holiday starts Friday evening. However, it turns out my sister will lose about $360 if she doesn't work on Thursday, so she needs to fly down, which will cost money, but not as much as she earns on Thursdays. This means that it's going to be me, my bro-in-law, and the girls, driving down to Florida in the van.

I love my neices. I do not love my bro-in-law. I only like my bro-in-law in a very superficial way. He does not treat me badly, because we're not emotionally invested in each other, save that we're related. I get along with him just fine. I've even kissed him on the cheek as I've left his house the last few times. However, deep down, I dislike him as a person and despise how he's acted towards my sister, and how he's chosen to do things in the last... year or two. I'm not letting my sister off the hook for her actions and how they've affected her relationship with him, I'm just saying: how he's chosen to be, in certain situations, makes me upset, and the choices he continues to make in his behaviour makes me cringe or snarl.

I think that the drive will be perfectly fine, because I'm not about to act anything but appropriately. I do not pick fights with him, I treat him very well. Also, the girls are pretty entertaining and are generally fine on car trips, even of this length. There will be music, I'll bring a book or knitting with me, maybe both, I'll drive some of it, and it'll be fine. I'm just a bit sad that my sister won't be there with me. I'm told that there's a limit to how nice I have to be to those I don't like. I understand that. However, there are mitigating circumstances to this situation: he might not always be my sister's husband, that's just a legal contract, but he will always be the father of my nieces, and that makes a big difference to me.

As for the drive, I could choose to buy myself another one-way ticket down, instead of getting in the car, but I've made a plan, and even though the details have changed outside of my control, I'd still like to stick with it.
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I am, most often, a creature of habit. However, I also have the ability to do something consistently for weeks or months, and then totally blow it off. This is a bad combination. I'd like to be a bit steadier than that.

I try food journalling in a new way, and the whole thing kinda collapses. I skip one day, then two, and if it gets more than that it becomes hard to recreate the furthest day away. I keep a running tab in my head throughout the day, yes, for when I'm not eating at my computer, but still, trying to maintain multiple journals, or even one journal but in multiple places, is difficult. However, it's something I need to do, consistently, for my own good, and I know that, so I have to push myself a bit harder to do it. *push*

Then there's my self-imposed summer task, that I utterly failed to do. It effects no-one else, just me, but it was important to my long-term goals, and I didn't do it. I should, I should, I see exactly where I could've used my time better, and I see points in the future when I can still do it. I need to make sure I do. Maybe I need to take drastic measures to make sure it gets done - alter my living space so I can't be distracted as easily.

Life isn't bad right now. Life is even good most of the time. Sometimes, it downright rocks. I just have these outstanding issues I need to fix, and the longer they're outstanding (in the 'overdue' sense), the more I get annoyed with myself, the harder it is to start. This is a long-standing pattern, exemplified in college, both undergrad and graduate. Feel anxious about approaching due-date, procrastinate, feel badly about procrastinating, wait more, feel worse, get to ridiculously close to due date and lurch into concentrated effort. However, there is no Due Date for starting one's future. It's all up to me. I can linger at this job or at this weight for years. It's up to me.
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Hi. I'm still here. I'm writing mostly in my mundane LJ acct - if you don't know what that is and care to read it, let me know. Otherwise, I try not to link the two. I'm writing there infrequently as well these days.

Life is going pretty normally, I think. Interpersonally, there have been very good times and standard good times; days of 'want want oh baby yeah' and one or two of 'blah hot tired please let's just sit around' - I'd like to think everyone has those.

I'm still bummed that my travel plans aren't falling easily into place. I'm missing DO and I won't be up for BiCamp until Friday eve, it seems. Timing has never been with me to make the most out of BiCamp but this year it's compounded. If it had been scheduled for Labor Day weekend, though, I would've missed all of it due to a family wedding, so I should count my blessings. *grin* Right, that's definitely my new outlook, so I don't get all mopey.

In other people's lives, relationships are rocky, and that indeed sucks. As usual, I hope such situations resolve into less emotionally draining states, whether they look like ideal outcomes to me or not. (Mostly I'm talking about my sister, which is funny because she doesn't know about this account. Why am I therefore vague? It would feel wrong to be too specific. 'Nuff said.)

Everyone stay cool. The heat of summer seems to have descended.
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I've looked at my calendar for the summer and discovered some things. First off, I'm a smart cookie and already told work that I'm not going to be available the weekend of BiCamp. Of course, it's the same weekend that I have an orientation thing until about 2, so as usual, I'll be there Friday evening.

Second, I can't go to Dark Odyssey this year. Last year was my first year there, and I had a very good and interesting time. This year, that weekend could barely be more booked. It's the first week of the term, I have concert tickets that Friday night, there are tentative plans for Saturday, and I have two orientations to run on Sunday. I lose.

There's something I'd like to do the weekend of July 8th, but I already made plans for that weekend that I'd need to adjust/cancel. I'm willing to do that, but I worry about how the other person will react. We'll see how that goes.

However, the last few times I've spent quality-time with [livejournal.com profile] thurinnin, I've spent the entire next day singing constantly. I haven't done that in a long time. I got a number of odd looks from my coworker today because I kept getting the middle of songs stuck in my head, or rather had to repeat them out loud until I figured out to what song they belonged. Singing like that is a clear indicator that things are going well with me. Noting now that I haven't been singing in a while indicates to me how much work has been dragging me down.

I've committed myself to July 4th with fam, one long weekend in Baltimore w/a cousin and her kids, and one Friday with grandparents, but soon I should figure out how I want to spend the rest of my summer, socializing-wise. If anyone's planning anything between July 10th and ... August 15th or so, please let me know. Oh, and I think there's a music festival somewhere in there that I've said I'd attend with a friend, if she commits to going.

Friends.

May. 16th, 2006 12:03 am
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They're what I've got. Good friends, best friends, old friends, long distance friends. I need to quantify "long distance", because either they're all I've got, or distance has nothing to do with friendship. If we say that "long distance" is 50 miles or more, I think I have one friend who isn't long distance. If we say 1 hour, then again, about one friend, depending on traffic (either one more or one less, depending on the weekend, in which case it could be as many as three). Having many friends is wonderful; having most of them not within distance to say "hey, guys, let's go catch a movie" or have dinner or watch TV or play cards this evening, that's harder.

Having an ex-lover say "I miss you" and not reciprocating, that's hard... or maybe just unfortunate. I felt badly about that, but it's the truth. I miss what there was when he was around; is that a good facsimile? Remembering what we had (well, when it was good and uncomplicated), makes me miss it. I don't wish he was here now; that would be bad. I'm glad I'm not currently with him. When I'm talking to him, I'm mixed between glad and nostalgic, not exactly sad but approaching it. He was a really good lover, but not a good love. Isn't that a sad thing? Maybe I never loved him. It really doesn't matter now, thank goodness.
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I'm trying to work on the self-care, taking after a good friend. }:-) Actually admitting certain needs is hard, and that's unfortunate.

I bought dumbbells for my at-home mini-work-outs, and even though they're only 3 lb dumbbells, they're more than I had before, so this is a good thing. Now I'd like to work on restructuring my evenings. Yeah, that'll take time to change. That's okay, I have lots of evenings ahead of me, and if I want change enough, it'll happen.

I should ask my fam for a digital camera for my birthday, or funds towards that end. I miss having snapshots of my life. I have a lot from a certain time-span, but then it stops, and that's something I regret.

Oh wait, i did post something here this week, didn't I? Heh, silly me, I'd forgotten. It was a teeny thing, though. Not that this is sooo substantive, but hey, at least it's something.

*insert pithy insight into life in general, a la Wonder Years or Doogie Howser*

Doubt.

Apr. 1st, 2006 01:10 am
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About my future.

About my present.

At least I keep getting glimpes of how my past fits in to who I think I am now. That's a comfort. Relaxation exercise: self-hypnotism, altered state. Certain elements of imaginative play as a child: repeating in adult situations. These two recently-realized things have amused me the most recently.

We went through no-libido, we hit a high again, and now I'd say we're in a negative patch, where I want to want, or I actively don't want. It's annoying. It too shall pass. I'm glad to be staying with a friend this weekend. I'd like to stay through Monday but alas, I have things to accomplish at work, and I haven't quite worked 8 extra hours last week to skip an entire day.

I have to work to maintain a positive tone of voice sometimes. I wonder how people don't notice, but then realize that I don't want them to notice, so it's good they don't.

MacGyver!

Feb. 10th, 2006 01:30 pm
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Recently, [livejournal.com profile] thurinnin bought us each a season of MacGyver. (Interestingly, if you go to www.macgyver.com, all you get is a fortune that isn't actually a fortune.) I loved this show. Watching the start of the first season was a little painful. I don't know why, but they dubbed some people entirely: the little gypsy girl, the woman who played Lt. Savik in Star Trek movies (she might've had some of her own voice in there). There were a few incredibly cheezy "flirty" lines, and some outrageous facial expressions (ohmygad, Mac on a couch with a blanket, his coffee, and presumably jeans, but we really don't know?).

However, I want to talk about what's behind this cut tag - DON'T READ THIS if you don't want to know what my teenaged-girl self was fantas...er, thinking! )

In other news, ... ... well, my brain is rather derailed right now. I've been a good doobie at work, and now it's about time to go, and I'm outta here! Have a good weekend, enjoy the snow if you're getting it, and have a wonderful Monday off of work, if you're in America. (Do I have anyone on this list who isn't? I don't think so.)
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I saw B there, only once. I was in the lobby around 11 PM Friday night, idly chatting with a person I'd met at a panel, and waiting for a particular friend to show. I see her striding (I'd say her typical walk is a stride, energetic, appears purposeful) towards me, along the pillars near the check-in desk. I note her hair is more salt&pepper than brown these days, and that she's dressed casually: jeans, brown belt, white short-sleeve mock turtleneck. Our eyes connect for a strong instant; my body takes a half-step forward and I feel her name being produced from my vocal chords, but in the next instant she's broken eye contact and veered sharply away, diagonally cutting across the floor. She spun on her foot, taking the arm of the guy next to her so he was between us and I couldn't see her. Her name sits in my mouth, half-expressed but with almost all volume gone. I'm barely listening to the guy talking to me; he hasn't noticed I'm not focused on him anymore. I watch her (or where she is behind that guy) walk, and as she gets to the point nearest me, she slows her step and falls half a space back from the guy, gives me a little smile and a wave, and continues at a quick walk to the elevator bay. The guy talking to me also leaves for the elevators; I sit in one of the armchairs, staring at her. She talks to her friend, glances my way (possible eye contact again), stares at elevator door, waiting for it to open. Wow, that must've been a long, interesting 10 seconds of staring at a closed door.

I felt really hurt. I felt like crying, felt where it would come from in a space near my heart, felt it tug and ache, and decide that would be not good at that place and time. I didn't realize I was a casualty; more than that, I didn't realize I was unwanted. I thought we were still friends. I helped her move out, I helped her move in to her current place, I always tried to be her friend. Before December, I'd see her online and occasionally say hi or share professional bullshit, academic amusements, even asked her a question about using Access. I know that shit happened in her life, shit that I was not responsible for but still involved in, but I thought that something would remain of why we had been friends in the first place.

I haven't seen her online since mid-December. At first I was curious, then concerned: maybe she took a vacation from work or something. I called her on New Year's, left a message wishing her a good year. Maybe she was actually there and chose not to answer. Maybe she's actually online but has enabled that feature of making it appear that she's not there for me.

Maybe I should give up on her. Maybe I was wrong about her in the first place. That's such a sad thought.
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For me, Arisia was, as usual, different from the one before it. I have got to learn how to relax a little earlier in the weekend; it was Saturday evening before the event really felt good to me. I barely went into one party, but the energy wasn't there, and so I can only regret not going because I'm sure there was stuff worth seeing. I didn't hit dealer's row or the dealer's room, but again, I wouldn't have bought anything, it's just more fun stuff to see. I haven't been to the art show yet, so I can't say I missed it.

I went to a number of panels and enjoyed most of them. I'd say that one was very well moderated and at least two were poorly moderated. The amount of moderation really makes a difference on how well I like a panel.

I did get to spend time with some friends - hey, guys! It was great to get so many hugs and kisses (mmmm, kisses...) and some shoulder-rubs as well. Thank goodness the weekend was a relaxed one for me, or my tendency to put my foot in my mouth would've gotten me in trouble at least two or three times. I found myself using words incorrectly or just fumbling verbally a number of times. I blame... sleep dep! Yeah, that sounds plausible.

Also, I was told and then noticed that there's blood in my eye - broken blood vessels are very noticeable in all the white. It started out just in the corner of my eye, but it's spread a little so it's more prominent. One person I know asked "did you shout or something? My mom had that happen from shouting." Yes. Shouting. That was it.

Monday was great: didn't get out of bed until... oh, 10:30 or so? Read, sat in front of a fire, saw a movie, had a pretty good dinner. It was that day I've been wanting for ages, the day when I could stay in bed, snuggled up to my paramour.
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I wore some simple make-up at his request. I had to buy eye-shadow - I rarely wear any make-up at all. Later that evening:

Him: 'It's not that I think you need the make-up, you're very pretty without it.'
Me: 'Thanks.'
*cracks up, then shares:*
Me: 'It's not that I like the way make-up looks on you, but more that I like the way the mascara looks rolling down your sad face when you cry.'

I'm laughing just retyping it. (it might be 'you had to be there' moment, but I thought some here might laugh. Also, now it's written down so I don't forget it.)
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So, let's say you have a lover over to your place, and there's a bookshelf near where you're making hot, sweaty, passionate luurv. You're on the bottom, and your partner is on top. What is the likelihood that after that special moment, as you are remembering to fill your lungs calmly with cool air, you open your eyes to find your lover not gazing at your face, or drooping a bit catching his/her breath, but instead checking out the books?

*cackle* There was so much laughter last night it was almost painful, but the good kind of pain for all involved.
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I hope everyone has an enjoyable night, doing whatever it is you do to celebrate the turning of the Gregorian year. I was thinking 'hmm, is it time to do a mental retrospective?' but again, I realized that I do that around Rosh Hashanah. A bunch of people I know celebrate Solstice, and that's the turning point away from winter and darkness and they probably retrospect around that date. For those who consider this evening a personally noteworthy day (as opposed to just a party night), I hope your year has been one that is leaving you better than you were before.

As for me, I'm gonna party like it's 1999!! (I think that year I ... oh my god, what did I do that year?! I'm pretty sure I was where I am now, but there were probably more people. Good enough.)
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Relationship is going well. My sister is only driving me a little nuts lately. I'm thinking of writing a letter to my older bro in order to start a conversation about our relationship. He keeps trying to use IM as the method for this discussion, and it fails. The one guy I was starting to talk to about poly issues hasn't emailed back and it's been a number of days, so I'm guessing he's gone. Ah well.

For some reason, I have an aversion to going to a poly social as part of a dating scene. Maybe I consider it too much of a meat market, I don't know. Maybe it's from looking at the online poly dating site (I have an acct but forget which service it is!) and seeing lots of couples looking for 3rds or singles looking for a couple, and also not seeing anyone identifying as Jewish, which is of utmost importance to me. Where are the single Jewish poly people, who are amenable to kink?

Not going to DO this winter, but looking forward to Arisia - room and ticket already purchased. I'm unsure exactly when I'll be getting up there, but I have about two months until that needs to be planned.
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In talking about polyamory with a potential new Someone, do you relate those conversations to your sweetie(s)? Would you send a blind carbon copy of your explanatory emails to your primary/SO/whatever, just to keep them abreast of everything? Do you feel that doing that is rude to the other (new) party, or it's okay because it's not anything your current partner doesn't know already?

The way this person is asking questions leads me to think he'll drop me, though. I'd be sad, but we haven't even gone out yet, so this is the best time to be dropped. *sigh*
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I picked up JC and his new gf (of 2 years or so, now?) and drove them up to Nutmeg's; I came up to hang up with them - I've never met her (S) and I haven't seen him in 2 or 3 years (I think 3, he says 2?). I can say honestly, I don't want to rekindle anything between us, and I don't want to go out with him, and frankly I don't think he's anyone's concept of hunky, gorgeous or beautiful, but I look at him and I want to kiss him (and he wasn't a good kisser when we were together), and I want to feel his fingers with mine, and I still have all these physical reactions to him! He's not poly, really not poly, and we've worked hard on being good friends to each other, so I'm not about to wreck that. I suppose it's a bit on the frustrating side, not being able to even express.... oh wait, what if I tell him I still have these feelings? Would that be really stupid? Feedback? Please?

I'm guessing the way the heck easier part is to shut the hell up and not open this up. Best case scenario: .... Worst case scenario: He does kiss me and oh fuck no that would be wrong - I don't want to mess with his relationship, and I'm pretty sure it would! Maybe that would go under "worst case scenario"... oh wait, it's there already. So we've determined that I wouldn't kiss him, even though I want to. Go me! That seems like progress, somehow - re-drawing a limit you already drew, but for different reasons.

I think it's because I used to feel good when I was with him; he still smells the same, he still smiles the same way. Maybe this is the difficult part of being poly.
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My sister had a major emotional crisis Sunday morning. I was on my way to a friend's party (I hadn't seen this friend since Mother's Day weekend), but I called to see how my sister was doing and she could barely breathe from crying. I was in my car already, just leaving home, so I went to her, calling my friend to say I'd be a few hour late. I stuck with my sister for about three hours. I held myself together well enough until I had to start listing why people would miss her if she died, what good things are going to happen in her life that she should be here to enjoy. Anyway, I left her as she was about to take a nap; her husband would be home soon (she wanted him to be with her for a little while) and I had arranged for someone else to be there a bit later.

She wanted me to write a letter to the person who started this crisis - another relationship she's having. I said I would. I spent a goodly amount of time and mental energy last night writing it. I stared at it and revised, stared and worried, stared a bit more. I didn't send it because who the hell am I that this guy would listen to me, even if I'm saying everything my sister would say, but in my words? I kept it as a draft.

I spoke w/my sister this morning. She asked if I'd sent the letter; I said no, I had it as a draft, and I was thinking of sending it to her so she could figure what to do with it. She said good; she'd spoken to the guy a few times yesterday and it would be better if I didn't send it.

I know that it's downright idiotic to meddle in someone else's difficult relationships. Even if they ask you, it's probably not a good idea. I'm kinda glad I wrote the letter, even if it sits in my 'draft' box.

I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my sister, somehow, in how I'm handling being there for her. Maybe I'm not being "hard" enough: she might need some swift kicks in the butt and I'm not doing it often enough. This is tough. I hate that it wrecks me.

I play compare and contrast: she and I are very different in how we handle crises (I think). Do I tell everyone like I see her telling everyone? I've cried alone. Then again, is her pain significantly different from those I've had, that I've called crises? I can't know that. I wonder whose way is better, hers or mine, which is a dumb game to play.

I know, I really truly know, that a therapist doesn't counsel family. I'm not trying to be her therapist. I'm being her sister, who has counseling skills. I came over when she couldn't ask, I made sure she had a little water/seltzer and a bit of yogurt shake, I held her while she cried. I let her see me cry over her pain, I reflected and restated and clarified, and I tried to help. I still left and went to that party, 3.5 hrs late. I got some hot steamy guilt about that from her hubby; it was tasty like a flash-burn.

I am her sister. I will not leave her alone, but I cannot give up my own life again and be subsumed by hers. I can't. I won't.
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What could be up with this good mood? Could it be that I'm looking forward to seeing family? No, not enough for this mood. Could it be the end of a workweek? This is more than that. Could it be that I had glorious sex last night, and kissing and snuggling and petting and sleeping next to and cock-sucking (not in that order, necessarily), and some extra sleep this morning?

Could be. I think we need to recreate these conditions to test the outcome, y'know, for science.

*nod*
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I have time, I'll write this up.

The M/s Relationship. ) I'm feeling uneasy with sharing my own statement, so we'll leave that for later.

Part of the workshop on self-myth was how everyone felt more positive about themselves now than at 10 or 20, and sexually, people were doing better than they were when they were 20. Frankly, what I consider some of my main identifiers sexually now, don't exactly sit easily with me. I like them, they turn me on, but actually using them as identifiers is still hard.
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Behind cut-tags, to save my own nerves from having to look at this info out in public (oh, the very public readership of such a small quiet journal)...

#1: Saturday eve, a head-game, a truncheon. ) This scene goes on for a while, until he's satisfied with my noises/mental state/bruising/I don't know. I think I was more altered after the scene than during - my brain was whirring with words, partial sentences, during and while being petted after, but once we were up again I was internally quiet and just focusing mostly on him (which is automatic and proper, and pleased him).

The head-game, with evil calisthenics! ) Rat bastard. You suck, you freakin' sadist! Stupid freakin' calisthenics on a freakin' incline... *mumblegrumble*

#3: Two doms, a bottom, a sub, one scene? ) Aftercare, two doms snuggling/petting, had to focus on releasing tension/energy / calming down, let go of it all.

Overall, I still have some bruising a week later - the pinches, some marks on the hips from H's nails/grip, my ass, one spot on a calf. It was a very interesting weekend.
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