More than meets the eye.

Saturday, rainy day, and he'd been with our son in the morning while I went to services. Our neighbor kid, the 13-yr-old boy, was here playing with B (now 2 years 5 months) when I came in, sitting on the floor playing with Legos, and husband was on the couch playing on his phone. I came in and looked around: nothing had been done, no dishes put away or done, no bottles cleaned, and I don't expect major cleaning but I expected... well truly, I didn't expect anything like that. I got to making lunch, and I made something for B, and sat with him while I ate it, and then he made himself food while I did the next thing with B. The other neighbor kid, 10-yr-old girl, came over, and the two kids plus husband started playing Mario Kart. They played for a bit until B went down for his nap, which I did. Once he was down, I took out my laptop and was on that while the other three played s'more. Husband said after maybe 30 minutes "okay, I'm going to go get my shower now. Kids, you can either go home or keep playing here." They said they'd stay and play. Husband then came over to me, gave me a kiss on my cheek, and whispered in my ear "you could come join me in the shower if you wanted." I immediately said "No. No, not right now." He gave a sigh and walked to the bedroom.

I went to the bedroom and said "We have two kids here, I'm not going to go into the shower with you and leave them there." He said .. I don't even recall. They eventually left when they were done playing, and at that time I closed my laptop and walked back to the bedroom; his shower was done. I said "the kids have gone now." Before I could say more, he said "I don't understand you. You're willing to have sex in front of other people, at those parties you used to go to, but you're not willing to take a shower with me when two kids are playing a game in the house." *jaw drop*

What the fuck. How are those two the same? He said "We'd be behind doors." I said "I'm not having sex with the two neighbor's kids in the house playing computer. That's just not right." He said "I just asked you to take a shower with me, not have sex."

What the fuck. Come on. Sure, maybe we won't have sex, but we'd be naked, in the shower: we'd surely be doing a bunch of other stuff and you'd probably want to be driving me to orgasm because you go for that kind of thing. What I said was "When you ask me for naked time I assume it's going to be sex."

The moment passes, and it's maybe 15 minutes later, we've had more conversation and moved on, and I'm standing in the hallway. He passes me and says "what're you thinking?" I said "I can't believe that you equated liking kinky sex and exhibitionism with have sex while kids are around." He had no good come-back to that.

It's been high libido time here for a little while. I had a low-libido period, noticed it, wanted it to end, watched it slowly fade, had the actual wanting instead of wanting to want, and that was fine, but then the husband got turned off for a little while. I waited him out (which is to say, he is squicked by sex during menstruation), and we had sex again, and it was pretty good. He changes up positions nicely, and I think I have encouraged him to be a bit more aggressive than he started out being, which is good for me. He uses his teeth along my belly and sides as well as my breasts, though he doesn't chomp on my neck, just grazes it more lightly. He'll twine his fingers with mine sometimes, so I can press into that.

It wasn't enough for long - for either of us. He likes how I look in my clothes these days, particularly the more clingy/fitted items. He'll caress my butt or grab me and pull me close and nuzzle, or smack the butt, or a few similar things, but most often when I'm in the middle of doing something else, like making dinner. Being groped while goal-oriented does not often result positively for my mood: yes, good, thanks for being turned on, but I'm trying to do something here that is for other people, so move along. Thanks, though. Anyway, there was some serious groping as soon as I came in the door Friday afternoon, that I reciprocated because I want to have sex with my husband because he is my only sex partner and I want to have sex, with him, because I love him and sex is good and if I ever want another child I better be having sex with him. By the time the baby (toddler, really) was in bed, we settled in to watch some TV, and then I was falling asleep on the couch and he said we should go to bed early. I rallied for another episode of something, and then we went to bed. First we got comfy each on our side, then I pet him a little, then he had me move in next to his side, then he slowly started to turn my head to kiss me, and I said "honey, i was falling asleep on the couch, and I prefer not to have sex while going in and out of consciousness. I've done it before and it's not what I want right now." He desisted but was obviously out of sorts about it, so I said "how about we make a date for tomorrow during naptime? Done, we have a date, but now I must sleep."

Come Saturday afternoon, toddler is napping, and we are once again on separate couches. He's on his phone playing Candy Crush, so I sit next to him (gasp!) and read my book, waiting for him to be done. I put my book down while he talks to me, he finished and puts his phone down, and we kiss, and I say "let's go to the bedroom." He says "What's wrong with right here?" and I replied "I want to be able to have more freedom of motion - let's go to the bed." He laughingly agreed, and the key to this date being successful for me was that I talked. I cajoled, and teased a little, and gave a sarcastic comment or two, before things got too hot and heavy. He held me down by my bicpes, and when I reached up to kiss him he held me down a bit more and barely came close enough to kiss. He went down on me, until my hands beat the sheets and I had to pull him up to give him the damn condom already...

Still here. Trying to live a less filtered life. Might need/want to dump here. Probably I'll just post privately elsewhere. However, this journal is well worth me mining for gems.

1. I often feel awkward around Jews who I think are better (i.e. more religious/observant) than I am. I feel like I ... my shortcomings are heightened, hilighted by their observance. I feel badly that I'm not as good a Jew as I think I should be/as I think others expect me to be. I know this is all irrational, which is why I'm couching it in terms of feeling.

2. On a cheerier note, I got quite a compliment yesterday! I spent Saturday hiking w/my sister and her new beau. I've met him once before, but didn't spend as much time with them. We hiked around, talked a lot, ate dinner together, watched a movie, and they dropped me at my car. Talking with my sister last night, she reported back on what he thought of me. She said he said I was cute - "she's your sister, so ick, but she's cute! She looks good, she has a good body." He said if he met me in a bar he'd date me. This is really flattering, because few people say such things directly, or at least not that get reported back to the person in question, and also because it's my sister's guy that's saying this. My sister and I are not the same body type, and I have long thought of my sister as the beautiful one. I have a good opinion of my physical self these days, but if I were the type to compare I'd say she's prettier. It's really cool to hear someone who's attracted to her say I'm also attractive.

Yes, to those reading who know both of us, I know this is also an irrational thought construct. It will be, given my distinct lack of objectivity.

Anyway, hi. Things are going generally well. I'm still in a great relationship, my sister's situation is getting better so there's less of that stress on me, I'm trying to organize my life a bit better, and my apartment is still a mess. }:-> There's no escaping one's self, after all.

I take birth control in order to maintain regularity - without it, I might have another period in a month, or maybe three, or somewhere in between. Who knows. I also take it as a contraceptive, since I happen to have a sex life. In my mind, we primarily use condoms; even though both are present, I consider the condom the active method.

I was recently (and in my mind, unexpectedly) given the opportunity to have sex without the condom. It totally threw me. I said no, because I had traveled and therefore timing of taking the pill was off and I didn't want to risk it. Upon further thought, I wish I'd let it happen, because it would've been very nice, and I was about a week off from my period, and I'm so not regular anyway, I can't imagine I'd catch from one time on a day when I skipped one pill. My thought at the time, though, was 'no no no horrible timing can't process this it's a big decision aaagh!'

Why is it a big decision, if I'm using a pill? (I'm not on The Pill, because I changed pills because my insurance won't cover The Pill I've been on since college. Grr arrg. Anyway.) I think maybe because it becomes solely my responsibility, and if I fuck up and skip a night, it becomes me taking that chance. Again, I'm not actively concerned, but there are lots of mothers who weren't concerned, I bet.

I like the thought of not needing a condom. We're a very well-established couple. We've tested clean of disease for years, and haven't had other sexual partners for years. I would just need to maintain that elusive self-discipline, regulate my schedule enough to actually take the damn pill at the same time, every night, consistently, without fail. It doesn't seem like this is a big thing, but it's all about the mindset. Yeah, it's taken at the same time each night anyway, but if it's for the sake of regularity, one night won't really kill me, and neither will skipping the last 3 or so pills in the cycle, since I'm just about to bleed anyway, what's a little leeway on when it starts? However, when it's my sole method of birth control, it's a different story.

Bottom line: until such time as other partners come into play (no pun intended) again, and condoms become more than simply birth control, maybe I should get used to the idea of not using them again. It was fine for a time there, I don't think I've changed bodily/hormonally since then.

Also, why is it called birth control? Contraceptive is the more accurate description; there are a lot of things that "control" birth, and this is not it. If it was "birth control", why wouldn't women be taking it as the birthing process, labor, is about to happen? Hmmmm...

Okay, maybe my mind's more like a ferret on Mtn. Dew, or simple syrup, but it takes a lot to devolve to one train of thought with only minor tangents.

Recent cases in point:

1. Having fantastic sex, truly, really good, sweaty slick can't even get a grip on his back because my fingers are sweating, but suddenly the thought surfaces 'weird teeth issue, don't clench teeth, something might be weird.' I recently went to the dentist to have a tooth bonded (lasts two years, that's serious bondage, yuk yuk yuk) because it chipped, and it's a front tooth ('You've managed to do something really interesting; most people don't chip the back of a front tooth;'), and I must not have told him to smooth it down quite as much as I'm used to because it feels a bit off sometimes when I bite in certain ways. *sigh*

2. Next morning, driving to work, dropping him off at the train, the mental radio station kicks in with Meatloaf, Billy, other up-beat up-tempo songs for the morning. Also thinking about traffic (moving but annoying as usual), work, breakfast, how's my brother, haven't heard from him a few days... Meanwhile, I'm trying not to project any of this mental activity because my passenger is quiet, possibly thinking his own random thoughts, not in a high-mental-activity state. I wouldn't say he's not a morning person, but... I don't think he is. He'd much prefer quiet time in the morning. I can respect that, I can encourage that, I just can't maintain that internally.

I highly value those situations in which most of my mental clutter clears up. I don't expect total brain shut-down often, but it's pretty fantastic when I can get it. I'll be a bit better once my dental issues clear up.

starkeymonster pointed me to incendiaryfood, where people are posting their food intake for a week or so, to show what we eat unapologetically. I thought I'd post my food journal openly for the week. I'll still put it behind a cut-tag, for those who don't care. ( Food journal within. )