Our parents, and introspection.

When my siblings and I discuss our parents, we generally say "my dad" or "my father" when talking to outsiders. I think "Abba", because that's who he is, no title, just Dad in Hebrew, what we always call him because that's who he is. It's both personal and casual somehow, and my thought process goes something like "people won't know who I'm talking about if I say Abba so I'll say 'my dad' and it'll be clear." However, even my sister and younger bro will tell stories that start with "I was talking with my father the other day..." when talking to another sibling. That's kinda odd. I don't know if I do it, though I would believe it. My older sister always says "mother" or "our mother", though I'll say "Mom" - she doesn't have a great relationship there.

At dinner on Friday evening, it was myself and the two abovementioned sibs, and my sister's husband, and two guests. We started talking about that topic, and how our dad treated us re: our bar/bat mitzvahs (he trained us, he berated us for/pointed out our errors, he critiqued our performances, la la la...). Both of the others shared their horror stories and the guests were taken aback. My bro-in-law seemed very uncomfy with this topic, maybe because it was too personal for us, I don't know. (My sister claims it's because he was it was not a good suject for me. It's possible; I don't know.) I chimed in with "I didn't get that kind of negative feedback because I didn't need it. I knew when I did something wrong." I left it at that; my younger bro said I was note-perfect, very deliberate, with excellent posture. I managed to change the subject.

What I did not say in front of company was that I didn't need his verbal feedback because I had internalized his expectations and knew I was coming up short. I knew I didn't know my haftarah portion well enough beforehand, and in the middle of reciting it knew I was doing poorly. I didn't even look at the video he took of it, until at least 4 years later, where I still thought it was aweful. I haven't seen it since.

The younger bro said that I'm the only child who wasn't born seeking the spotlight and would actively avoid it. He's the youngest; he doesn't know what I was like when I was very young. I loved the spotlight. I loved to sing at the drop of a hat, loudly and with an audience. That was stomped out of me by older and more aggressive siblings who wanted that spotlight. They got it. I wouldn't be who I am now if that aspect of my childhood changed, but who knows what would've happened: maybe I would've pushed more to get into the performing arts high school, instead of letting that option get immediately rejected. Lots and lots of maybes. Thing is, I'm happy as a helper person; I don't need to be performing all the time.

(maybe I am performing all the time... ) (maybe I should eat lunch.)