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I should've known.
Oct. 11th, 2005 10:50 amMy sister had a major emotional crisis Sunday morning. I was on my way to a friend's party (I hadn't seen this friend since Mother's Day weekend), but I called to see how my sister was doing and she could barely breathe from crying. I was in my car already, just leaving home, so I went to her, calling my friend to say I'd be a few hour late. I stuck with my sister for about three hours. I held myself together well enough until I had to start listing why people would miss her if she died, what good things are going to happen in her life that she should be here to enjoy. Anyway, I left her as she was about to take a nap; her husband would be home soon (she wanted him to be with her for a little while) and I had arranged for someone else to be there a bit later.
She wanted me to write a letter to the person who started this crisis - another relationship she's having. I said I would. I spent a goodly amount of time and mental energy last night writing it. I stared at it and revised, stared and worried, stared a bit more. I didn't send it because who the hell am I that this guy would listen to me, even if I'm saying everything my sister would say, but in my words? I kept it as a draft.
I spoke w/my sister this morning. She asked if I'd sent the letter; I said no, I had it as a draft, and I was thinking of sending it to her so she could figure what to do with it. She said good; she'd spoken to the guy a few times yesterday and it would be better if I didn't send it.
I know that it's downright idiotic to meddle in someone else's difficult relationships. Even if they ask you, it's probably not a good idea. I'm kinda glad I wrote the letter, even if it sits in my 'draft' box.
I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my sister, somehow, in how I'm handling being there for her. Maybe I'm not being "hard" enough: she might need some swift kicks in the butt and I'm not doing it often enough. This is tough. I hate that it wrecks me.
I play compare and contrast: she and I are very different in how we handle crises (I think). Do I tell everyone like I see her telling everyone? I've cried alone. Then again, is her pain significantly different from those I've had, that I've called crises? I can't know that. I wonder whose way is better, hers or mine, which is a dumb game to play.
I know, I really truly know, that a therapist doesn't counsel family. I'm not trying to be her therapist. I'm being her sister, who has counseling skills. I came over when she couldn't ask, I made sure she had a little water/seltzer and a bit of yogurt shake, I held her while she cried. I let her see me cry over her pain, I reflected and restated and clarified, and I tried to help. I still left and went to that party, 3.5 hrs late. I got some hot steamy guilt about that from her hubby; it was tasty like a flash-burn.
I am her sister. I will not leave her alone, but I cannot give up my own life again and be subsumed by hers. I can't. I won't.
She wanted me to write a letter to the person who started this crisis - another relationship she's having. I said I would. I spent a goodly amount of time and mental energy last night writing it. I stared at it and revised, stared and worried, stared a bit more. I didn't send it because who the hell am I that this guy would listen to me, even if I'm saying everything my sister would say, but in my words? I kept it as a draft.
I spoke w/my sister this morning. She asked if I'd sent the letter; I said no, I had it as a draft, and I was thinking of sending it to her so she could figure what to do with it. She said good; she'd spoken to the guy a few times yesterday and it would be better if I didn't send it.
I know that it's downright idiotic to meddle in someone else's difficult relationships. Even if they ask you, it's probably not a good idea. I'm kinda glad I wrote the letter, even if it sits in my 'draft' box.
I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my sister, somehow, in how I'm handling being there for her. Maybe I'm not being "hard" enough: she might need some swift kicks in the butt and I'm not doing it often enough. This is tough. I hate that it wrecks me.
I play compare and contrast: she and I are very different in how we handle crises (I think). Do I tell everyone like I see her telling everyone? I've cried alone. Then again, is her pain significantly different from those I've had, that I've called crises? I can't know that. I wonder whose way is better, hers or mine, which is a dumb game to play.
I know, I really truly know, that a therapist doesn't counsel family. I'm not trying to be her therapist. I'm being her sister, who has counseling skills. I came over when she couldn't ask, I made sure she had a little water/seltzer and a bit of yogurt shake, I held her while she cried. I let her see me cry over her pain, I reflected and restated and clarified, and I tried to help. I still left and went to that party, 3.5 hrs late. I got some hot steamy guilt about that from her hubby; it was tasty like a flash-burn.
I am her sister. I will not leave her alone, but I cannot give up my own life again and be subsumed by hers. I can't. I won't.
