Again, with JC...

[openupenterin]

I picked up JC and his new gf (of 2 years or so, now?) and drove them up to Nutmeg's; I came up to hang up with them - I've never met her (S) and I haven't seen him in 2 or 3 years (I think 3, he says 2?). I can say honestly, I don't want to rekindle anything between us, and I don't want to go out with him, and frankly I don't think he's anyone's concept of hunky, gorgeous or beautiful, but I look at him and I want to kiss him (and he wasn't a good kisser when we were together), and I want to feel his fingers with mine, and I still have all these physical reactions to him! He's not poly, really not poly, and we've worked hard on being good friends to each other, so I'm not about to wreck that. I suppose it's a bit on the frustrating side, not being able to even express.... oh wait, what if I tell him I still have these feelings? Would that be really stupid? Feedback? Please?

I'm guessing the way the heck easier part is to shut the hell up and not open this up. Best case scenario: .... Worst case scenario: He does kiss me and oh fuck no that would be wrong - I don't want to mess with his relationship, and I'm pretty sure it would! Maybe that would go under "worst case scenario"... oh wait, it's there already. So we've determined that I wouldn't kiss him, even though I want to. Go me! That seems like progress, somehow - re-drawing a limit you already drew, but for different reasons.

I think it's because I used to feel good when I was with him; he still smells the same, he still smiles the same way. Maybe this is the difficult part of being poly.

Comments

*nod*

[openupenterin.livejournal.com]

I know. It reinforces my understanding of myself, really. I've learned about myself: don't count on first impressions, because the better you (I) get to know a person, the more attractive they are. My ex is a sarcastic bastard and I like that about him; we mock, we poke, we cajole, it's all good.

*shrug*