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I saw B there, only once. I was in the lobby around 11 PM Friday night, idly chatting with a person I'd met at a panel, and waiting for a particular friend to show. I see her striding (I'd say her typical walk is a stride, energetic, appears purposeful) towards me, along the pillars near the check-in desk. I note her hair is more salt&pepper than brown these days, and that she's dressed casually: jeans, brown belt, white short-sleeve mock turtleneck. Our eyes connect for a strong instant; my body takes a half-step forward and I feel her name being produced from my vocal chords, but in the next instant she's broken eye contact and veered sharply away, diagonally cutting across the floor. She spun on her foot, taking the arm of the guy next to her so he was between us and I couldn't see her. Her name sits in my mouth, half-expressed but with almost all volume gone. I'm barely listening to the guy talking to me; he hasn't noticed I'm not focused on him anymore. I watch her (or where she is behind that guy) walk, and as she gets to the point nearest me, she slows her step and falls half a space back from the guy, gives me a little smile and a wave, and continues at a quick walk to the elevator bay. The guy talking to me also leaves for the elevators; I sit in one of the armchairs, staring at her. She talks to her friend, glances my way (possible eye contact again), stares at elevator door, waiting for it to open. Wow, that must've been a long, interesting 10 seconds of staring at a closed door.
I felt really hurt. I felt like crying, felt where it would come from in a space near my heart, felt it tug and ache, and decide that would be not good at that place and time. I didn't realize I was a casualty; more than that, I didn't realize I was unwanted. I thought we were still friends. I helped her move out, I helped her move in to her current place, I always tried to be her friend. Before December, I'd see her online and occasionally say hi or share professional bullshit, academic amusements, even asked her a question about using Access. I know that shit happened in her life, shit that I was not responsible for but still involved in, but I thought that something would remain of why we had been friends in the first place.
I haven't seen her online since mid-December. At first I was curious, then concerned: maybe she took a vacation from work or something. I called her on New Year's, left a message wishing her a good year. Maybe she was actually there and chose not to answer. Maybe she's actually online but has enabled that feature of making it appear that she's not there for me.
Maybe I should give up on her. Maybe I was wrong about her in the first place. That's such a sad thought.
I felt really hurt. I felt like crying, felt where it would come from in a space near my heart, felt it tug and ache, and decide that would be not good at that place and time. I didn't realize I was a casualty; more than that, I didn't realize I was unwanted. I thought we were still friends. I helped her move out, I helped her move in to her current place, I always tried to be her friend. Before December, I'd see her online and occasionally say hi or share professional bullshit, academic amusements, even asked her a question about using Access. I know that shit happened in her life, shit that I was not responsible for but still involved in, but I thought that something would remain of why we had been friends in the first place.
I haven't seen her online since mid-December. At first I was curious, then concerned: maybe she took a vacation from work or something. I called her on New Year's, left a message wishing her a good year. Maybe she was actually there and chose not to answer. Maybe she's actually online but has enabled that feature of making it appear that she's not there for me.
Maybe I should give up on her. Maybe I was wrong about her in the first place. That's such a sad thought.
