Contract.

I heard it was done Sunday last. I got home Monday, was out of it, probably spoke with Dave Tuesday and asked to get it emailed out to all involved, as was intended. Maybe Wednesday he said he'd pulled it off their shared drive, had to do a little tweaking, and would send it out. M's not clamoring for it because he's not in the immediate physical vacinity, it doesn't affect him immediately, and he's ticked at one possible detail so doesn't want to see it in writing. *shrug* It's still not here by Friday.

I had a dream this morning so vivid it was ridiculous. Dave and I were in a bedroom, standing, naked. He was holding my hair tightly, I wanted to kiss him, I move to do that and he moves his head away. I put my hands on his shoulder and move to kiss his chest and he moves his whole body back, says 'No, we need to discuss that' and I fall back angrily onto the bed, so frustrated. I say very forcefully and with strong emotion "Show me the contract, NOW." Then I woke up (I think that's the time the phone rang). Ridiculous, yes? It's the not-knowing that drives me crazy.

I called him today and told him this dream, at which time he basically talked me through it, then finally emailed it out to us. I've read it a few times. Nothing comes as a total shock. I feel I slipped by the newly-codified intake procedures (interview) by being B's friend first. She encouraged me towards him. Fine. I feel that B regrets getting involved with me, based on the wording of a few points. This is something I should probably talk to her about. I could be wrong.

When I get my next round of health tests run, I think I'll shrink the report down, laminate it, and carry it in my wallet, just in case I want to be sexually active with someone. Why take my word for your physical safety when you can take my doctor's word for it? *sigh* I mean, I know personally of a person who lies about what he has (and he will therefore never ever get with me, though he doesn't know I know), so I know personally and in general that people lie... (this paragraph has no end.)

The point was for B to feel more secure, more confortable, more like she is the primary and will aways be so. This provides for that. (Well, to be a bit less biased, it was to help their relationship in general, including communication issues and balancing time, energy, and other resources. It addresses all those things.) I wonder if she'll ever address me with any of the stuff that bothers her. I wonder if it matters.

While I was in Cali, on New Year's, M got me drunk and extremely turned on and then had me cry out my hurt and unhappiness. I would've been much more unlikely to do that had I not been drunk. He said I needed it. He might've been right. I wonder if I need to talk it out w/Dave as well, to get through it more, to get it out of my head, or if I can leave it alone, let it go and just get back to where we were. Is that really possible? There was a significant pause, with lots of stuff in the middle.

I don't want to ponder this alone anymore tonight. Better to either leave it alone or process it with someone involved.