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Is it just me...
Jun. 6th, 2005 09:18 amI feel that I've been lacking content here lately. This journal started out with the intention of chronicalling the sexy, strange, not-for-family stuff in my life. I'm still doing the not-for-family stuff here, but I've stopped writing the sexy or edgy. Part of it is that I know many of the people on my friends-list now, have met you face-to-face, possibly think you're sexy/appealing, and therefore writing about my sexual exploits now feels decidedly odd. I've now been to parties where I've been very sexual in front of friends and not-close-friends (but not really strangers) and to a con where I was on display in a very large room while being flogged/caned/spanked. How is that different from me writing, here, some tales of intimacy and submission?
Ah, there's the rub, isn't it: here, it's totally and completely voluntary. At a party, at a con, I have the wonderful excuse of 'well, my dom/partner wanted to, and I got caught up...' Here, I choose to write stuff down. I do know what changed between writing up stuff about Fire and writing about stuff with Dave: I now know my audience, and I feel like writing it down is the same as doing that thing in front of them. There's a thrill in being seen, yes, and once I start writing I can forget my audience and get into the story, but that doesn't stop it from feeling weird somehow.
It's not that I don't want to write it, either. Ahhh, the cock, and the sex, and the words, and the feel of his hands clamped around my wrists, and did I mention that I made pictures fall off the wall? ..... I just haven't lately. Maybe it's a form of performance anxiety. Maybe it's 'thinking too much'. Maybe I should just quit worrying and write more in the hard-bound, which I've also neglected. Maybe this is part of the lack of ability to follow through on most anything I start. I don't know. Maybe I'll write things again in unfiltered posts; maybe not. I say to myself 'y'know, lots of folks can have a sex life and not let everyone know about it.' Again, there's me trying to be like everyone else, or playing compare/contrast. Be like my friends, be like my family, be like the cool people... okay, I've never tried very hard to be like the cool people. I guess if I get to decide who's cool, then that concept works. *grin* Anyway, I feel like if I don't write it down somewhere, it slips away altogether, or it wasn't good enough to keep. Those thoughts disturb me, which is why I want to write it down, and get upset eventually when it's not there.
The lack of content bothers me, both in this journal and in my hard-bound. I don't want to look back and see nothing of interest in my life. My memory for good things isn't nearly as good as my memory for difficult things, so I need to capture them somehow. I don't have a functional camera, I haven't taken good pics in ages, so I need to write. I've run out of coherent thoughts on this matter and run into lyrics that get melodramatic, so time to stop typing.
Ah, there's the rub, isn't it: here, it's totally and completely voluntary. At a party, at a con, I have the wonderful excuse of 'well, my dom/partner wanted to, and I got caught up...' Here, I choose to write stuff down. I do know what changed between writing up stuff about Fire and writing about stuff with Dave: I now know my audience, and I feel like writing it down is the same as doing that thing in front of them. There's a thrill in being seen, yes, and once I start writing I can forget my audience and get into the story, but that doesn't stop it from feeling weird somehow.
It's not that I don't want to write it, either. Ahhh, the cock, and the sex, and the words, and the feel of his hands clamped around my wrists, and did I mention that I made pictures fall off the wall? ..... I just haven't lately. Maybe it's a form of performance anxiety. Maybe it's 'thinking too much'. Maybe I should just quit worrying and write more in the hard-bound, which I've also neglected. Maybe this is part of the lack of ability to follow through on most anything I start. I don't know. Maybe I'll write things again in unfiltered posts; maybe not. I say to myself 'y'know, lots of folks can have a sex life and not let everyone know about it.' Again, there's me trying to be like everyone else, or playing compare/contrast. Be like my friends, be like my family, be like the cool people... okay, I've never tried very hard to be like the cool people. I guess if I get to decide who's cool, then that concept works. *grin* Anyway, I feel like if I don't write it down somewhere, it slips away altogether, or it wasn't good enough to keep. Those thoughts disturb me, which is why I want to write it down, and get upset eventually when it's not there.
The lack of content bothers me, both in this journal and in my hard-bound. I don't want to look back and see nothing of interest in my life. My memory for good things isn't nearly as good as my memory for difficult things, so I need to capture them somehow. I don't have a functional camera, I haven't taken good pics in ages, so I need to write. I've run out of coherent thoughts on this matter and run into lyrics that get melodramatic, so time to stop typing.
